selfish

something about having a younger brother strips me of any indifference when it comes to his perception of me. i know i cannot prove myself worthy to you of being loved by you. but it is still what i yearn most to do.

you have not asked me a question about my life in months, but you still limit your idea of me to an inexplicable (to me, at least) darkness, a selfishness. one month ago i rejected a job offer that would have paid me over $15,000 more than i currently make each year. i would have had health insurance, work-life balance, an ease whereby i could go to happy hour several times a week without accompanying feelings of guilt.

i could not say yes to a job like that. soulless and sucked dry of any mission beyond the capitalistic variety of solely benefiting the $152 billion company i would have been employed by.

instead i cold call voters and knock on their doors when it is 90 degrees outside (which always a relief as it often gets to 100). i implore them to care. to understand the implications of a new governor. to allow them to believe that yes! we do deserve better! it doesn’t have to be like this!

i spend my saturday mornings attending protests. showing up for those who cant. for those who won’t. for those who dont realize the urgency involved.

i spend my tuesdays attending trainings on how to be a better advocate for gun violence prevention.

i spend my thursdays attending trainings on how to be a better reproductive rights advocate.

i sit in difficult conversations every single day. i summon all the empathy i can to meet those whose opinions differ from mine. i hope to come across those who care what i have to say, but usually i don’t. usually i am the listener.

every single day i am challenged by the life path i have wandered down. every single day i am exhausted. i don’t know how else to live. i cannot work for a semi conductor company and pretend to care about the newest software feature. my life would be so much simpler if i could.

you said i am the most self-centered person you have ever encountered. i also know i am the only person in your life who has committed my entire life to the well-being of others. maybe because it is through policy that you don’t see it as caring. if i were a doctor, would that make a difference to you? an educator? a member of the military? what would it take for you to see me as benevolent, unselfish?

i am so tired of trying to prove myself to you. i want to be released from the responsibility of it. i don’t want to cry the whole drive home after you told me you don’t know if you love me. after you said you don’t know how to relate to me.

i will always love you. i will always love you more than you love me. i hope you create for yourself the life you always imagined. i hope i’m wrong about you when i say you will encounter conflict in your future relationships (because humans are endlessly complicated). i hope you journey through life free of problems, of sickness, of fighting, of jealousy, of insecurity, of heartbreak. i hope you always feel as loved as you are.

i can’t make a case to you about my worthiness of being loved by you. i am inherently worthy of love and belonging by virtue of being human. just because i am self-focused does not mean i am selfish. i turn inward more than you do, and that is okay. i will continue to find that acceptance in others, as you won’t ever offer it to me.