judgement

he thinks i had it easier than him, in college. that i breezed by without effort, still achieving a grade point average that allowed me to have a latin-based honors distinction on my diploma.

i feel ashamed because it actually may be due to the fact that im smarter than him. i understand systems of power and how to weave in and out of them for my benefit. i understand who i have to make my presence known to, which teaching assistants will care and how it will impact my grades in the course. i understand that there are some classes that require minimal in-person attendance but loads of studying to be high-achieving. for others, you must ask questions and contribute regularly. i cannot tell him i believe myself to be smarter than him. he’d probably leave me. he’d definitely leave me. but how can i not be smarter than him when i ask questions he wouldn’t even dare to think up? when i not only ask these questions but i seek out answers until im satisfied? when i read a novel each week and he hasn’t picked up a book since he read “jack and annie” as a twelve-year-old?

i know i am judgmental. exceedingly so. i also know that i do not spare myself from this judgment. that i stand in front of the mirror and am brutally honest with my inner self about all the ways my outward self is failing us. it is only fair that i apply the same level of critical thinking to others.