how to make people fall in love with you.

(alternative title: confessions of a 22-year-old girl who can’t let anything go.)

((alternative to the alternative title: my love affair with polysyndetons.))

this list does not need to be completed in the order that it is written, though it may wind up being the most natural course of action.

1. play the long game. this is neither a simple nor short-term process. it requires time and intention.
2. show them your secret spots. the places you go to think. the places you go where you know no one could find you. it will make them feel special to have access to this part of your life.
3. ask the right questions, which will yield the right answers. ask questions that surprise them a little bit. that encourage their vulnerability to surface. questions like “what is the most common misperception about you?” and “why do you tell yourself a story about how the world doesn’t serve you in X ways?” and “who do you go to when you have news to share? why? has this person ever let you down?”
4. always look attractive around them, but never let on that you are trying to look attractive around them. careful outfit selection is required. just the right amount of makeup. that “just been kissed by the sun” slightly disheveled look.
5. you need to seem busy to them. like any time you are willing to give them they should feel grateful for. but never make time together feel rushed. when you see them, you have always just come from somewhere, doing something semi-important and semi-spontaneous. but you never have any plans after seeing them. your time now belongs to them.
6. kiss them on spots on their body where they don’t normally get kissed. the bridge of their nose. the soft skin behind their ears. the back of their neck. so that when a gust of wind touches those spots the following day they will think of when you kissed them there and they will shiver with longing. how the next girl won’t kiss them in those spots and they’ll miss you all the more for it.
7. eye contact. look at them with a twinge of curiosity, bits of intensity, and softness. the right ratio of these three elements will induce feelings of intimacy in your target.
8. share your unique observations about the world. like how you judge the quality of a neighborhood by the grandeur and diversity of its trees. and how you think of eating honeysuckle when you go to public pools, because it’s what your dad taught you to do at the pool you went to as a kid, which was lined with honeysuckle plants. and that you get nauseous when you eat fish and chips but that you still order it whenever it’s on the menu because it brings you back to that oceanside cafe outside melbourne, when you were your most blissful.
9. do NOT divulge the particulars of your mental health with this person. they do not need to know that after your first date you threw up because connecting with someone romantically scares you more than anything in the world and your body needs to purge the accumulated feelings from the date. they do not need to know that after you get them to fall in love with you, you will categorically never commit yourself to them. because you know what happens when commitment wilts and dies. and you will not put yourself or anyone around you through that. they do not need to know that when you were out to eat on your fourth date all you could think about was someone walking into the restaurant with a machine gun and killing the both of you right then and there. or worse, killing them and not you, so you get to live with the trauma for the rest of your time on earth. because you saw on the news in 2015 that gunmen attacked restaurant goers in paris and once you see things like that your brain attaches to the information and replays it over and over again and never lets you even consider getting a moment of peace. because that’s what it is like to live with OCD. never let them know what it is like to live with OCD. they do not need to know the details of the purple and white pill you take every night that you cannot live without. it does not matter how much they love you, they do not want to know about any of this.
10. ask them about their family. do not share much about yours beyond what you would share with a lowly acquaintance. their family dynamic set them up for the relationships they will have throughout their entire life. it is very important for you to know the details of their family life because it will give you access to their psyche. how their older brother always made them feel inferior when it came to their intelligence, so you will need to always make them feel smart. how they were taught by their grandfather that failure is the worst thing that could happen to anyone, so remind them frequently how they could never be seen as a failure by you, no matter what. do not share these details about your family, it will give them the ability to destroy you. do not let anyone that falls in love with you have this power. they should never find out that your mom got so drunk on the family vacation that no one is allowed to speak about when she did something unforgivable and child protective services found out and knocked on your door and you had to lie to the government employee because your mom was drunk and she wouldn’t have done what she did if she didn’t have an addiction to alcohol and after all she is your mom and you still want her in your life. they should never know that your sister did something unconscionable to you during that night in new york and it taught you how to effectively dissociate when you are faced with something you don’t want to be but you must endure it nonetheless. they should not know that your dad would get so angry all he knew how to do was leave so he would leave you and your siblings when you were just kids and so you were 8 years old and crying and you would stay up all night calling him from the landline and leaving him voicemails begging for him to come home and even though his phone was turned off you would call and call and call for hours and you would sleep on the rug beside the garage door because you needed to know as soon as he got home because you still had hope that he would come home and he usually did return.
11. they need to be slightly confused by you and your feelings towards them, at least in the beginning. you need to express interest, and then retreat. you’re the sun, warm and protruding. then you’re the moon, hiding behind clouds and pulling the ocean tide back with you. when they ask you to spend time together on the seventh occasion, be unavailable. be “away for the weekend” on a whim. in a city that intrigues them. maybe sedona, arizona or portland, maine.
12. express your passion about a particular problem in the world. and be doing something to mitigate it. like volunteering or educating others. it will show them you are someone who cares about issues bigger than the ones directly facing you. it will make them admire you and your care for the well-being of others.
13. once you’ve established a certain rapport of trust and familiarity with them, have them share their most personal traumas and secrets with you. you may have to share some of yours first. respond with empathy and compassion. be the best listener they have ever encountered. never share with anyone what you know about this person. those moments belong to the two of you. when your time has ended because as soon as they fell in love with you you left and moved to a new city, they will think back on these moments the most frequently. they will be in disbelief that they could have felt so close to someone in those moments sitting in his car watching the sunset over the ocean. the words that were shared in those moments. the rawness. how you stopped breathing for a period of time but didn’t even notice. because all that existed were the memories that were transferred between you. he can’t drive past that spot on the canyon road anymore because he thinks of you and his stomach flips and he loses his appetite for the rest of the night. you have left your mark. he will never stop loving you.